


A Letter and a Choice

by Probably_exhausted



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: But he goes away, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Little bit of Hook, Swan Queen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-15 20:23:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10557156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Probably_exhausted/pseuds/Probably_exhausted
Summary: 'Since she was young, she knew there were things that she shouldn't read. This was one of them.'Emma reads a letter that reveals Regina's true feelings for her. Now, Emma has to make a choice between marrying Killian like her family wants her to, or taking her fate into her own hands. Swan Queen.





	

Since Emma was young, there were things she knew she shouldn’t read. Private diaries of her foster siblings, her foster parent’s bills, notes about herself from her psychiatrist. All things she knew she was better off not knowing. This was definitely one of them. With a shaking hand, she picked the handwritten letter out of Regina’s desk drawer. 

_Dear Emma,_

_I realise you will never receive this letter, nor do I want you to receive it. It was more for my own purposes, really. But I feel like I have held my feelings in for far too long and they are beginning to close in on me, preventing me from being able to think, sleep or be happy for you. I should be happy for you. I_ _want_ _to be happy for you. Because you deserve it so much, Emma. Not the pirate, obviously, but you deserve happiness. I just wasn’t expecting your engagement, especially not revealed as casually as it was. I know you probably have no clue of my feelings for you, but it only took a couple of seconds for you to tell us. For me, it felt like hours. Hours of realising that I had to get over you if I was going to ever be able to be a part of your family. And so, if Hook makes you happy, then I hope that one day I will be happy for you._

_Do you know how much of an impact you have had on my life? My father tried to change me, Snow tried to change me, even_ _Tinkerbell_ _tried to change me. The only one who could ever seem to manage the momentous task was you. I don’t know how you did it. You just rolled into town and my god I wanted you to leave so badly. You made me feel, Emma. I hadn’t felt anything for 28 years and it scared me. I wanted you to leave so I could return to my life with Henry and not have to worry about the feeling of loving and losing like I did with Daniel. I tried so hard to meet your expectations of me. I tried to control my magic for you, tried to control the overwhelming impulses in me to kill and to hurt. But you stopped all that. Seriously, I just got back from baking cookies with Snow. It’s practically laughable. But after all that time I realised you didn’t have expectations for me. Well, apart from not killing your mother but that’s quite understandable. You just were happy to let me discover who I was truly meant to be and who the darkness had been holding me back from being. I love that about you Emma. You understood me in a way no one ever had before. You understood what it meant to be truly alone, sad and afraid._

_I don’t really know what I’m trying to say here, except that_ _I love you_ _. I don’t know how long I’ve loved you for, but it’s eating away at me. Bit by bit, I am falling more and more in love with you. I can’t stand to see you with that disgusting pirate, but as I’ve said before, if he makes you happy… He’s no worse of a person than me, I suppose. Of course I won’t tell you any of this. I just hope you are happy, Emma. Please be happy._

_Regina_

Emma wiped away the tears spilling down her cheeks. The letter was just so _Regina_. The cursive handwriting, the phrasing. It felt as if the woman had stood there and said it all directly to Emma. Emma didn’t know what to do with herself. She a cocktail of emotions, but mostly guilt. Guilt that she hadn’t realised Regina’s feelings for her, guilt that she hadn’t been more sensitive towards Regina and guilt she had read the letter in the first place. God, there was no going back from this. There was no way Emma could unlearn that Regina was _in love_ with her. Emma had had no clue whatsoever. 

She shakily put the letter back into Regina’s desk drawer, ensuring that it all looked the same as it had before. She wiped her eyes once more and then grabbed the book from the top of the desk that Regina had sent her to go get. She ran her hand down her face when she realised she was going to have to face Regina. She needed to think all this through, and what it meant. 

Emma made her way out of the mayoral office and walked down to the bug, inhaling the sharp and cold Maine air. It was March, but a recent snowstorm had hit Storybrooke so the temperature was a lot colder than usual. She shivered as she sat into the drivers seat, putting the book in the passenger seat. Another flood of emotions ran through her as she remembered that _Regina Mills was in love with her_. It almost sounded crazy. Wasn’t Regina straight? She had been with Daniel and then Robin. Maybe Henry’s storybook had missed out all of Regina’s gal pals in the Enchanted Forest? It was a possibility.

She pulled the bug out of the parking spot and then headed to her parents’ apartment. Regina had turned the Charming kitchen into something that resembled a meth lab, meaning to develop a concoction to help all the horses in the stable against the cold weather. That’s what Emma loved about life in Storybrooke; one week they’re fighting Hades or the Dark One or Peter Pan and the next, they’re glorified vets. There seemed to be no in between. Anyway, the potion wasn’t going well for Regina and she had already lobbed two flasks at the wall, one narrowly missing a breastfeeding Snow. An argument had broken out until Emma was sent to get the spell book that Regina had earlier insisted wasn’t needed. Emma smiled at the memory. 

She bound up the stairs two at a time, the spell book tucked under her arm. She pushed the key in the door and rushed into the apartment, shaking off the cold. 

“Ah, thank you Emma!” Regina smiled, looking up from her distillation tube. Emma smiled tightly, her insides getting hotter as the brunette walked towards her. Emma had to avoid eye contact, the contents of the letter replaying in her mind. There was almost a part of her that was worried that Regina would be able to see it and immediately know that Emma had gone through her things. Regina stopped in front of Emma, frowning as she took the book from Emma’s outstretched hand. 

“Are you alright?” She asked, tilting her head. Emma finally met Regina’s eye contact. She was sure she had gone red, her heart hammering in her chest. She was confused why she was having these feelings - was it nervousness that Regina would be angry at her? Her emerald eyes met Regina’s questioning brown ones. Emma had never really thought about the colour of Regina’s eyes before. They were dark, but there were also flecks of caramel and mahogany and they were beautiful. She was completely freezing up. What was happening to her? Why was everything so different and strange? 

“Emma?” Regina definitely looked worried now. She placed her hand on Emma’s arm, trying to draw the blonde out of her clearly worrying thoughts. Emma’s skin felt warm and tingly under Regina’s hand, sending shivers up her spine. What on earth? Emma looked away. 

“I…I’m not feeling well. I’m gonna…” Emma didn’t finish the sentence before she had grabbed an extra scarf off the hook and wrapped it around herself, leaving the apartment. Regina frowned, worried for the woman. Had Hook done something to her? Regina resisted the urge to follow Emma into the snow, but she knew that the other woman wanted space when she got like this. 

Emma wrapped her coat tightly around herself as she walked down the street, welcoming the bitingly cold air as it cooled down her hot face. What had just happened? She shook her head and made her way down to her favourite thinking spot; the bench on the pier. The wood was icy, so she carefully tread down the pier to the bench. Once she’d cleared the snow off it, she sat down and closed her eyes. All she could hear was the cold ocean gently hitting the pier, the few winter birds flying overhead and the creak of the several boats surrounding her. It was relaxing and exactly what she needed to wade through her thoughts. 

Regina loved her. Why was that such a polarising thought within her? On the one hand, it frightened her. What if she lost her best friend over it? What would her mother think? Would Regina go back to the way she was if Emma rejected her? Strangely, the idea of rejecting her seemed to frighten Emma just as much. Then, there was that even more worrying part of her that felt her stomach flip and heart beat faster at the notion that _Regina loved her_. It made sense, somehow. It would be a great ending to the story, wouldn’t it? Snow White’s stepmother falling in love with the child she tried to steal and have killed. The Evil Queen and the Saviour. Dark magic and White magic. Ying and Yang. Emma thought back to all those times that they fought and bickered. They were all laced with sexual tension, something that Emma had already accepted. The fight they’d had when Emma was in a tank top and holding a chainsaw, the punch up in the graveyard where she’d bust Regina’s lip, the time Emma had pinned Regina up to the wall in hospital supply cupboard. There were a couple times when Emma had thought what would have happened if she had leaned forward and taken the mayor’s lips with her own, pushing her further into the wall and running her hands over the latina’s curves…but most of those scenarios ended up with Regina punching the living daylights out of her. She’d never thought that Regina would ever want to reciprocate a move like that, yet alone be _in love_ with her. It was all too much for Emma. 

“Evening, love.” Emma jumped at the pirate’s voice, a blush quickly creeping up on her face when she realised she had been thinking about making out with Regina in a supply cupboard. 

“Killian.” Emma smiled, tucking her hair behind her ear nervously. He frowned. 

“Mind if I join you?” He asked, gesturing his hook towards the bench. Emma looked away. 

“Actually, I really need to be alone right now.” She explained apologetically, looking back to Hook. He seemed to ignore her request, and sat down next to her. “Killian…”

“We’re fiancées now, Emma. At your request, we’re meant to be telling each other everything. What is bothering my fair lady that I can’t help with?” He asked. Emma shuddered at the almost suggestive tone that underlined his question. That was certainly the last thing she needed right now. 

“It’s just a…private thing. I need time to think, that’s all.” Emma tried to reassure him, folding her arms. 

“Maybe…” Hook started, placing his hand on her thigh. “You just need to be held.”

Emma pushed his hand off her thigh, shaking her head. 

“No, Killian. I mean it. I really need time alone right now.” Emma explained, exasperated. God, he wasn’t getting the hint. 

“At least try and help me to understand what’s going on inside that pretty little head of yours?” 

“There’s nothing to understand!” 

“Well, Emma, there clearly is.”

“Please leave me alone!” Emma was getting infuriated now. Her brain was already overloaded with Regina and she wasn’t in any capacity to have a fight with Killian right now. She’d already felt on the verge of tears and this certainly wasn’t helping. Killian clenched his jaw, and then pointed his ring-clad finger at Emma. 

“Remember this the next time you get mad at me for ‘not sharing’” Hook stated, clearly angry. 

“Oh my God! There’s a difference between this and you not telling me that you’d killed my Grandfather!” Emma yelled, bringing her hand to her forehead as she felt the beginnings of a migraine coming on. All this stress was not helping her. 

“I thought we’d moved past that, Emma.” Hook spat, getting up. “And you’d never even met the man.” 

“Do you really think that matters? You had gone to my father asking for my hand in marriage _knowing_ that you’d killed his father?” Emma asked, anger coursing through her veins. Why was he like this? Why couldn’t he just understand that now was not a good time to provoke an argument with her? 

“I apologised, alright! I already told you I was sorry. But this? This _is_ different. This is you not sharing your problems with the man who is supposed to become your husband. We’re meant to share everything, Emma.” 

“There is nothing to share! I was tired, not feeling well and had a migraine coming on. I came out here to relax and you have completely done the opposite, Killian. Well - fucking - done.” Emma yelled, standing up from her thinking bench and stalking off down the pier. Tears of anger and all the emotions bubbling within her spilled out and down her cheeks. She angrily swept them away, lest Killian see them and he’d come bounding after her demanding what was wrong. God he was so infuriating sometimes. Why couldn’t he just understand that sometimes, she just wanted to be left alone. 

Emma briskly walked down the street trying to work off some of the adrenaline from the fight, thinking about where to go next. She couldn’t go back to her parents’ apartment because Regina would still be there, she couldn’t go back to her house because Hook would probably be there. Granny’s would probably be full of dwarves, so that only left the park. Emma turned off Main Street onto the small pathway that led to the lake, working her way around the frozen body of water. 

Where would Hook fit into this whole situation? She’d just assumed that Killian was her last chance at a ‘happy ending’ as it were, but it seemed that even now, she had other options. Even if she didn’t want to be with Regina, did she still want Hook in light of this? Was she just playing along to please her parents and family? That was a thought Emma didn’t allow herself to think about too often. It terrified her, honestly. Because there was nowhere she could run. She would normally have legged it out of town by this point, but now she had friends, family, a son and a community that she vowed she would never leave behind. She would have to face the consequences of her choices. So, she found it easier not to give herself a choice. Did she want to marry Hook? She could see herself marrying him, settling down with him, maybe even bearing a couple of his children. She _could_ do it. But would she be truly happy? That’s what Regina had asked her in the letter. “ _I just hope you are happy. Please be happy”._ Emma had no idea whether she was happy or not. Did that just show she wasn’t? Weren’t you meant to know if you were a blushing bride, excited for your future with your significant other? Why wasn’t Emma feeling the all-consuming happiness she was meant to be feeling? Groaning, she leaned back on the bench and closed her eyes. 

Through the mess of her thought process, it kept coming back to Regina. Regina had changed Emma’s life as much as Emma had changed hers. She had given Emma a son. Henry was something that was a product of Emma and (mostly) Regina’s nurturing. He was her pride and joy, a thoroughly good person and destined to be a kind and loving man. She had no one but Regina to thank for that. Maybe it was the fact that they share a son which was messing with Emma’s thoughts so much. Suddenly, images of her and Regina having dinner with Henry and then watching movies together and all sleepily going to bed, or going on family vacations, or dropping him off at college, or setting up the guest room for him and his wife and eventually his children all flooded Emma’s mind. A _family_. The power of the idea almost choked Emma as she bit back tears. Why wasn’t she feeling this with Hook? And how was this now such a viable option to Emma? She still wasn’t sure what she felt about Regina. Only hours before, Regina had been Emma’s snarky best friend, teasing her about how dangerously she was handling the hydrochloric acid. Now, she was a potential life partner option? 

“You’re overthinking this, Emma. Pull yourself together.” She muttered to herself, sighing. Emma looked at her surroundings, not realising how dark it had become. She rubbed her forehead to try and offset the headache that was knocking against her skull, but it had no effect. She slowly stood up, making her way back to her parents apartment. Regina would have gone back to her house by now; Henry was with her tonight so she would probably have gone to cook him his favourite dinner. She was that kind of mom, something Emma admired. 

Emma stumbled up the stairs to her parents’ apartment, the headache making her vision swim a bit. She needed to lie down in a dark room with a cold cloth. She jimmied the key in the lock, almost falling into the apartment. It seemed that neither Snow nor David were there, possibly having taken baby Neil out for a walk. Emma was beginning to make her way up the ladder to her bed when she spotted a conical flask on the counter. There was a note written next it. Oh, Emma recognised that handwriting. 

Emma walked over to it, the flask filled with a clear sky-blue liquid. She sniffed it, noticing no intense smell. It seemed normal. She then read over the note, her heart pounding in her chest. In the same cursive handwriting as the letter she had read earlier, it read:

_Emma,_

_You said you weren’t feeling well, and I assumed it was a migraine since you seem to be so prone to them. I made you a remedy for it - it works a charm for me._

_Feel better soon!_

_Regina_

Emma laughed at the failed attempt at a smiley face Regina had drawn on the end of her name. It was so thoughtful and kind, making the smile on Emma’s face widen. Emma picked up the flask, inspecting it one more time before knocking back the liquid. She closed her eyes as she felt a cold wave move through her head, taming the tension in her brain. She almost moaned from the relief. The wave passed down her spine, causing her to shiver until she no longer felt it. Opening her eyes, her headache was completely gone. Regina was a genius. Only Regina would manipulate her magic to combat headaches. Emma read over the note one more time, failing as she tried to fight the smile. She was going to have to thank the former Queen. 

She pulled out her phone and shot Regina a quick text. 

_Thank you for the remedy, it got rid of my headache completely. Also, I love the smiley face!_

Emma put her phone away, assuming Regina wasn’t going to reply since she had Henry that night. She cherished her time with her son so much, especially since he was getting older now. They were only a couple years away from sending him off to college and both the mothers were feeling their time with him sliding away. So, she was surprised when her phone buzzed a couple minutes later. 

_You’re welcome, Emma. And could I pretend that Snow added the slightly creepy smiley face after I’d left?_

Emma laughed as she brushed her teeth, biting on the toothbrush so she could use both her hands to text Regina back. 

_Yeah, nice try. Mom has left me many notes and so I know for a fact that she always adds a heart next to her smileys._

Emma put the phone down as she changed into her pyjamas. As she climbed into bed, she saw another text from Regina. Her stomach flipped as she picked her phone up, something she tried to ignore. 

_That is disgusting, yet doesn’t surprise me._

Emma watched the … in the message bubble on Regina’s side of the conversation. A picture came through of Henry asleep on Regina’s sofa, his head tilted all the way back. 

_Moustache or whiskers?_

Emma snorted, biting back a grin. 

_Moustache! Please, please send me the photo when you’re done._

Regina only sent back the little devil emoji, making Emma roll her eyes as she smiled. There was a new and strange aching feeling in her chest, like she wanted to be in the living room with Regina doodling on their sleeping son’s face and taking photos to laugh at later. They’d both laugh and then Emma would sit next to Regina and put her legs on the Mayor’s lap, waiting for Henry to wake up and chase after both of them with a marker until he’d accidentally mark Regina’s pristine walls and Regina would have to be talked down from first degree murder. Emma smiled at the scenario, closing her eyes and pretending she was at the mayoral mansion and not in her parents’ attic. 

Her phone buzzed. 

The photos Regina sent her made her stomach hurt from laughing. The first one was of Henry with a lopsided moustache and frown lines on his forehead. The second one was one of Henry’s eyes opening and the second one was taken from the other side of the room as Henry gaped at his reflection in the mirror. Regina was clearly running away. 

_Help!_

Emma giggled.

_He doesn’t look happy_

_He wasn’t, but then he found it quite funny._

Emma frowned. 

_Why do you need help?_

_How do I know he won’t draw on my face in my sleep?_

Emma laughed to herself, shaking her head. 

_Ahh I see. Well, your Majesty, you opened yourself up to that._

_But you’re the Saviour! You’re meant to protect us from this kind of thing._

_So you want me to stand by your side all night to protect you from our son?_

_That would be appreciated. I wouldn’t mind if you fell asleep on the job though ;)_

Emma’s eyes widened, knowing that Regina meant falling asleep in her bed. Well, this was new. 

_It’s my night off_

_Rude._

Emma was thinking of a reply when another text message flashed on her screen. This one wasn’t from Regina, but from Killian. 

_Should I assume you’re not returning home tonight?_

The smile faded from Emma’s face as she sighed, the warmth that was glowing inside her fading away like the dying embers of a campfire. 

_No, I’m staying with MM and David. I’ll speak to you tomorrow._

She watched the … as Killian typed something, but he must have deleted it as no message followed. Emma felt both annoyed and guilty at his response. She locked her phone and chewed her thumbnail as she stared at the ceiling. This morning, she was Killian’s soon-to-be-bride. She was marrying him and starting a family with him. It was so simple, and everyone was happy. Well, now she learnt that Regina wasn’t. And now, she was learning that she may not have been either. What was once simple was now complicated and wrought with conflicting emotions and agendas. Emma’s phone buzzed. 

_Goodnight, Emma x_

Emma had assumed the message was from Killian until she read the message properly, her heart getting caught in her throat when she realised it was from Regina. Her heart hammered, unsure of what to do. They’d never texted like this before. Regina had never sent her kisses either. What was happening? 

Emma unlocked her phone to send a reply. 

_Night, Regina_

She debated over whether reciprocating the kiss, but decided enough was enough for one night. She finally plugged her phone into the charger on the other side of the room and closed her eyes, praying for sleep to come over her and make things simple for a little while. 


End file.
